On goals and resistance

The question we tend not to ask about low motivation

I looked at LinkedIn a few days ago, and found this in my list of notifications:

Reader, I am not lying when I tell you this was an immediate Hackles Up moment for me.

You may have noticed that Western culture, especially American culture, is obsessed with accomplishment. Not having ambition (according to a traditional capitalist-driven definition) is seen as being lazy, at best. The assumption is that, if you’ve climbed one mountain, it’s time to start climbing the next, and the next, until you finally reach Everest.

Photo by Rohit Tandon on Unsplash

The question almost nobody asks, unfortunately, is, “Do you want to?”

Failing to ask that question, and to answer it (and answer honestly!), is how so many of us end up on a never-ending hamster wheel, exhausted, burned out, and just wanting to collapse into a pile on the floor. (We also ignore what happens when you’ve made it to the top of Everest and there’s nowhere left to go, but that’s a different discussion for a different day.)

Now here comes LinkedIn asking coaches how they can “motivate” folks to “aim higher” if they’re “resistant.” Never mind what you’ve already accomplished, or what your actual goals and desires are. Nothing is ever enough, it seems.

It’s a natural outcome of productivity worship, and one we take for granted as something “normal,” but it’s not. There’s a reason why we hear stories of Indigenous folks encountering Westerners for the first time and thinking that those Westerners were absolutely out of their minds. Indigenous cultures, by and large, don’t see any sense in working yourself to death, and tend to emphasize the group over the individual, working together for the good of the community rather than aiming for solitary achievement.

Meanwhile, the rest of us think this is perfectly normal. Yikes! As I said recently on social media, “rugged individualism” is the biggest bill of goods ever sold to the public.

More than that, though, I object to the notion that my job as a coach is to somehow talk someone into doing something they don’t want to do. That’s what’s implied by the question above. Oh, your client doesn’t want to do the Next Big Thing You Think Should Be Ticked Off The List? Obviously it’s just resistance and you’re responsible for Getting Them Past It.

Nonsense. My job as a coach is to listen to my client, get to know them and understand them, and help them figure out what they want to do next, or to get around whatever’s blocking them in that goal.

I’m a coach, after all—not a dictator!

The thing about motivation is that you can’t impose it from the outside. You can’t just wander down the street to the Motivation Store and pick some up. It has to come from within you. You may need some help finding it—that’s a different issue entirely—but it’s a self-directed thing.

Yes, you can argue about carrots and sticks, but fundamentally, all the carrots in the world aren’t going to interest someone who can’t stand or is ambivalent about carrots. Any coach who insists that that person develop an obsession with carrots in order to please herself or some third party is committing a real boundary violation, and it should feel like one to anyone who stops and thinks about it for more than three seconds.

Photo by Jonathan Pielmayer on Unsplash

There’s a reason why I am always asking clients, “How does that idea feel to you?”

And yet employers keep going with force—because it’s easy, and because managers tend to confuse people with “resources,” which is why “human resources” is a terrible name—and insist on this kind of stuff all the time. Then they wonder why their employees are exhausted and disengaged. Gosh, I just can’t imagine.

The real secret to motivating anyone, including yourself, is to notice what interests you. What lights you up? What rabbit holes do you love to fall down in a way that empowers you (not the ones that drain you!)? These are valuable clues to what motivates you. If you’re trying to force yourself to be interested in something that doesn’t really do it for you, you’ll know. You’ll feel it in your body—though Western culture has also taught us not to pay attention to those signals, so a lot of people don’t notice them.

I have two nephews who are absolutely bonkers about football/soccer. I can barely go five minutes without the younger one uttering the word “Messi.” No one has to encourage them to go play or practice, because that’s what lights them up. It feels good. Of course they want more of that!

Funnily enough, Western culture has also devalued things that feel good, so we tend to think that if we do the things we enjoy, we’re just being indulgent somehow. No wonder people get blocked and can’t figure out what they want to do!

If my hypothetical client from the LinkedIn question is feeling unmotivated, then, there’s a really good chance that they’re trying to get themselves to do the wrong thing. Someone else (probably a boss, maybe a spouse or parent) is trying to convince them to pursue a goal they don’t care about. It doesn’t light them up.

All the coaching in the world isn’t going to change that. The way to motivate that person isn’t to pressure them or cajole them. It’s to figure out the right goal for them and then give them permission to do it.

Now, yes, there are cases where people get stuck trying to do the things they do really want to do. Resistance is a real thing that shows up in many forms, and there are ways to help with that. There are also things we all have to do that we’d rather not (I have two bathrooms that need my attention right now, no matter how much I’d like to imagine that they don’t!).

LinkedIn’s vaguely worded question doesn’t read like one of those situations to me, which is why I’m not going there right now. The question feels to me like a boundary violation from an outside source, and a client who’s not interested but doesn’t feel like they have the right, or authority, or power to say that, or is even trying to assert some control by being uncooperative, leaving everyone at an impasse.

I don’t know what it’s going to take for management types to actually step back and see where their staff’s strengths and interests lie, and play to those, rather than spending an awful lot of time and effort trying to get people to do things that just aren’t the right thing for them. (Same goes for parents who want to push their kids into fields that aren’t right for them, and plenty of other situations.)

Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash

As for the rest of us, this is why it’s important to pay attention to what lights you up. What brings you joy? What feels good? What would you do even if you never got paid for it because you enjoy it so much?

Those are the things you should focus on if you want to stay motivated. Your motivation is built in. (It’s not by accident that I called this publication The Spark!)

You may even find that those things that light you up will take you to places you never could have expected without you really trying. One of these days, I’ll write about how my podcast has been that way for me.

Either way, if you’re experiencing resistance, just know that yes, it may be a block—but really listen to yourself and make sure the thing you’re trying to do is the one you really want to do, too.

Questions? Post 'em below, or bring them to an Unconventional Inspiration Circle! (Or, heck, go nuts and do both! 😁 )