Shine on

Crowdsourcing some good stories

I had a little mishap a few days ago.

As a result, I am now sporting a shiner you could see from space, courtesy of a combination of gravity and my glasses, which also left me with a couple stitches just below my right eyebrow. It’s a good thing I landed on carpet and have polycarbonate lenses (if you’ve ever wondered why those are a good idea, this is why) or this could be a very different post (eek!).

I look a whole lot worse than I feel, fortunately, but that doesn’t stop the rest of the world from noticing and reacting. I’ve definitely been feeling the burden of having to warn people to try to manage their reactions because I don’t want to have to endure the level of freakout I’ll experience if I don’t. I get that we’re all human and if we see someone sporting a single purple eye, we’re concerned, especially if it’s someone we care about, but the cumulative effect on that person can be a lot. And let’s be real—you’re probably already nodding because you know whose reactions you’d have to manage, as opposed to just offering a fair warning, if you were in this position.

And let’s be fair, too: seeing the concern on friend’s faces—that look of “Oh my God, what did you DO???” even when they’ve been warned and therefore it’s not a surprise—is a nice reminder that people care about me. At the same time, I know I’m okay, and don’t want them to worry unnecessarily. And now that I can open my eye without effort and see normally, I also keep forgetting that I look weird to everyone else, at least until I find myself in front of a mirror again and get another jarring reminder.

It’s all just…weird.

I’d share a photo here, but I don’t know how everyone does with pics of bruises and such, so I’m gonna leave it to your imagination. If you’re really curious, you can check out this week’s pep talk episode, which will still go out on video, because I decided I don’t feel like pretending nothing happened.

But I mostly look a lot like this, only somewhat more so.

Everyone from the folks in the ER to my physical therapist has informed me that the actual story of how this happened is just not up to snuff, and I need a “better” one. I did tell the ER folks that if I look like I was in a gang fight, I might as well tell people that’s what happened. (I really wanted the ER doc to write me the wildest doctor’s note ever—just have a ton of fun with it. He thought my chart should be medically accurate. Siiiiigh.)

For what it’s worth, my two favorite moments so far: the ER staffer who took one look at me and said, “Boy, what does the other guy look like?” and the older lady at my physical therapist’s office who immediately said, “Whoever he was, and whatever he did, I hope you got him good!”

(I told my PT I had a nasty accident with a resistance band. He believed me for about half a second. Half an hour later, he told someone else I got into a fight at a biker bar.)

One of my friends has challenged me not to tell the same story twice, which will probably require an absurd number of explanations, but I’m gonna do my best. Here are some of my favorites so far:

1. My body rejected my Borg implant.

2. I was trying my Ursula the Sea Witch Halloween costume, but changed my mind.

3. I really need help perfecting my cat eye.

4. I was attacked by a T-Rex. (That one’s for my nephews, obviously.)

5. I thought it might be more efficient to be a sight AND the sore eyes, but I was wrong.

6. I always wondered what a one-eyed raccoon/panda would look like.

7. I mixed up the dates for this year’s Asbury Park Zombie Walk.

8. I felt inspired to sit for a Patrick Nagel portrait 40 years too late (this one worked better before the lower lid decided to get in on the bruising and it looked more like thick 80s makeup).

9. I got into a gang fight in Princeton (those Ivy League gangs are the WORST, man).

10. I thought I’d test a new drag look, but I grabbed the Sharpies instead of the eyeshadow by mistake.

11. I said the wrong thing to Mike Tyson.

I’m not above crowdsourcing ideas here, so if you have any, share ’em in a comment!